Gained. Crap!

So the flex points... don't work. I stuck to my diet, only used my weeklies, and still gained a pound last week. Today is weigh in day and I didn't go over my dailies for most of the week, and I used up some of my weeklies with pizza last night. I'm scared of gaining more weight. Should I really weight my food? Get those serving spoons? Do I have to buy everything weight watchers? I can't afford that...

I don't want to be fat anymore. Every time I sit down or move weird... I jiggle. I feel like I'm just jiggling all over the place. I just want to be healthy and be able to bike here, jog there, hike everywhere. I need to get out of this fat suit. Here's hoping tonight is better for the scales...

Flex Points Worries

So I've been following WW pretty well so far. I've used some of my flex points and I guess all the years of failed dieting is really starting to catch up with me. I keep thinking I'm off track or failing my diet or just thinking negatively about how I'm eating. Which really doesn't make since because I'm not off track or anything like that. I don't know. Can I really eat all this food without gaining weight? I feel like I won't have a loss at all this week. But you know, I haven't gotten off track and I've been calculating everything and really sticking to the diet.

I hope this works, oh my god, I hope this works. I read online that its unsustainable and all this negativity towards Weight Watchers as a business and it really scared me. Hopefully I'll be able to pull through this. I'm really excited about the future. I'm going to get healthy, damn it. I don't care what it takes. I'm going to eat less and healthier and eventually start exercising. Although, I'll admit, I'm really scared of exercising. What if everyone laughs at how huge I am? I won't be able to do anything without getting winded...

Yikes.

Joined

So I joined Weight Watchers. I feel so silly and not so silly all at the same time. I'm excited to be doing something about my weight, and I'm excited to have accountability behind my actions. I'm glad know that I have 40 dollars towards my future and the fact that any time I want to quit I'll have to say "I can't. I have 40 dollars invested so far." So meetings are on Thursdays, so I can't get out of going and saying school is going to get in the way. Hopefully this is the kick in the ass I'm looking for. Emotionally, I have no idea how I feel. I feel sort of stuck between admitting that I have a problem with food and trying to pretend nothing is wrong. I realized today that I'm not really unhappy with my boyfriend, but that I'm projecting all my fears and problems onto him. He didn't change. I did. I got fatter, he didn't. And subsequently, I'm feeling unsexy and unflattering to him. I hope this works out. I figured out my POINTS for today. I'm under. Its an exciting new world.

Fat Girl Freakout Day

So I've decided to join weight watchers. I haven't gone yet. I don't know when I'm going to go. I just know that I want to go. I can do this. I'm going to get thin and healthy and feel like a woman again. Erik's in on it now. He knows how unattractive and unsexy I feel. It all came tumbling out today in the car. I was real quiet and sad and he was just begging me to tell me what was wrong. So I told him and feel like he's not even attracted to me anymore. That all I feel is chins, belly rolls, and arm flab. So here's to a new me. A 50 pounds lighter me. Sans chins, hopefully. This week, its Weight Watchers time.

Except tomorrow I have to beg Mom for the cash to go since I'm a broke college kid.

First Entry

I spent all day in bed yesterday. Feeling fat and overwhelmed by the enormity that I am. I ate 900 calories over what I was supposed to eat. Nine Hundred. My MyDailyPlate account logged my food for the first time in months. I'm supposed to feel excited that I'm "making a change" or whatever, but really all I feel is shame. I don't even want my boyfriend to know. I got him while I was "skinny". So I should be skinny for him. Even though I've felt fat since I hit puberty. All this is really, is just recognition that I'm actually a cow.

I'm twenty years old. 230 pounds and rising. I have to make this change before I get bigger. I'm only 1 BMI point away from being "Morbidly Obese." Oh my god. Morbidly Obese?

Fuck it, I can do this! Maybe. Every time I start to diet or work out or anything, I hide myself in shame and I don't get past the first three days. How will this be any different?